Tips for Motivating Your Teen
In my work as a tutor, many teens have walked through my door reluctantly, to say the least. They weren't interested in studying for the ACT or SAT, and at times weren't even interested in college at all. Sure, they knew that it was important for their future in a general way, but they definitely wanted to do something more fun than ACT/SAT practice tests with their limited free time.
I'm also a parent, so I know just how frustrating it can be to watch your child fritter away time and talent and fail to reach success or mastery of a skill. Of course you want to motivate your child to do well, but here's the thing:
True motivation, just like true learning, must come from within. It can't be forced upon anyone.
You know what they say about leading a horse to water, and as a parent you've probably provided so many opportunities that you've lost count. But you can't force kids to be passionate about something that doesn't move them any more than you can get that ornery horse to drink the water you've so lovingly provided.
The Two Types of Motivation Explained
In educational psychology, researchers identify two types of motivation: intrinsic and extrinsic. Extrinsic motivation is an impulse to do something that comes from outside of oneself. Most often, extrinsic motivation comes in the form of punishments and rewards that someone else provides.
For example, all those behavior charts and gold stars that you used to get your child to eat vegetables, practice piano, or walk the dog are extrinsic motivators. You set up a reward system to encourage the behavior you wanted to see. And any time you punish your child by taking away video games or the car keys, you've also provided extrinsic motivation to extinguish a less desirable behavior.
Rewards and punishment can be effective, but you've probably noticed that these external motivators worked better when your child was younger. With age comes complexity, and motivation just isn't so simple anymore.
Intrinsic motivation, on the other hand, comes from within. This can arise when you study a subject because it fascinates you, or when you volunteer for a cause you believe in. When people describe having a calling in life, they're talking about the feeling of intrinsic motivation that leads them to pursue a passion for the sheer joy of it.
Intrinsic Motivation Is More Empowering
Parents who want the best for their children understandably set up systems of extrinsic motivation by offering rewards and punishments to get students to complete homework and get good grades. After all, these are the keys to the kingdom when it comes to college admissions and future success.
Unfortunately, extrinsic motivation just isn't as powerful as intrinsic motivation, which researchers have found leads students to engage more deeply with learning and face challenges with more persistence. When it comes to college admissions and test prep, kids get much more out of the process when they're motivated from within to do well — not because you forced them to come. I've seen this over and over in my career, and the research bears it out.
So how can you help your child shift from doing well because you want it and doing well because he/she/they want it? When it comes to schoolwork, there are three main ways to flip the switch on intrinsic motivation:
Autonomy: Give your child plenty of choice about what to study and how to spend time, making sure to allow for unique interests in addition to academics.
Social connection: Make sure your child feels connected and cared for during learning, whether in school or through extra-curriculars. Relationships are everything!
Competence: When students feel confident and capable, they're more likely to continue exploring a subject. Make sure your child gets time to focus on strengths in addition to shoring up weaknesses.
Intrinsic Motivation And The College Process
As an adult with a fully functioning frontal lobe, it's easy for you to see the connection between great test scores and college options, but your teen may struggle to connect these dots. You won't get anywhere by forcing your child to do test prep with constant nagging and dire warnings about not getting into a good college — no one learns well under that kind of stress.
Instead, try shifting the conversation away from test scores and towards the future. What does your child want to study? What does an exciting future look like? What brings the most joy and deep interest?
From there, you can encourage your child to look at colleges that allow for a deep exploration into these preferred activities, and you can help your child begin to envision the next four years there. If you have real buy-in about a career and a great college to get there, making a plan to get accepted should fall into place more naturally — and your child will be ready to hear how test scores will help make the big dream come true.
5 Tips To Foster Intrinsic Motivation Right Now
It takes patience and plenty of time to guide your child to a fulfilling future, and it's not always easy to step back and let your teen take the reins. Here are some ways to help kids discover their real passions and take charge of their learning:
Build on Strengths: Everyone loves a personality quiz, so have your child take the VIA Character Strengths Survey. This is designed to reveal personality strengths, not assess skills. Encourage your teen to explore activities and subjects that let those strengths shine. This is especially helpful if academics haven't ignited a passion yet — most strengths aren't school-related at all.
Encourage Mentoring: If your teen has a favorite teacher or other adult, see if you can facilitate extra time together, perhaps working on a shared project. For example, there may be opportunities for an in-school internship with that teacher, or to help a favorite adult with a work project. This is more about building relationships than diving into a career, but remember that connecting with others is hugely motivating.
Design Independent Learning: Now more than ever, colleges are looking for students who are self-motivated and able to learn independently. In this summer of social distancing, there's never been a better time to let your child run with an independent project, whether it's organizing a protest for social justice or selling homemade face coverings.
Follow Curiosity Wherever It Leads: Give your teen time to explore an interest with some deep reading or by loading up a YouTube playlist with informative videos. Then ask all about it, and pay attention to the details. Your conversations can spark further questions and even deeper exploration, ultimately leading to a field of study.
Foster a Growth Mindset: Nothing kills motivation like the idea that you're just not good at something, so resilience is key. You can shift your home into one that values growth by praising hard work, focusing on learning from mistakes, and moving away from the idea of natural talent in the way to talk about school (and everything else, for that matter).
Once your teen has developed some intrinsic motivation to learn and to do well, that’s when we can get the most out ACT and SAT tutoring and college advising — especially the college essay writing process. Everything just becomes much easier. I also work hard to find out what makes your teen tick and personalize my work to make the process more meaningful. Together, we can build on your student's natural interests and inclinations to boost test scores and get into the college that best aligns with his/her/their future goals.
Intrinsic motivation is just one key to success. For a look at other important traits to encourage in your child, check out my post about how to Build a Person, Not a Resume™.